When Your Marriage is in Trouble

There's no use denying it, sometimes marriages have troubles. There are a variety of things that can and often does go wrong with a relationship. Sometimes, it can be as simple as one feeling unappreciated or as complex and heart-wrenching as infidelity. Either way, marital problems must be taken care of as soon as possible so that they do not destroy the marriage.

When your marriage is in trouble, the first thing you have to do is admit it. Don't be in denial when you have the best chance of fixing your problems- the early stages. The next step is to talk with your partner and find a solution to the problem, even if that means seeking outside help. Always remember, a conversation goes two ways. You need to talk, but also listen to your mate. If what you want to do is uncomfortable to your spouse, keep working until you find some common ground because problems won't fix themselves, and contrary to popular opinion, one mate sacrificing everything won't fix them either.

Remember that your marriage is important. Work on it like you would everything else you deem important in your life. We will stop eating various things to get in shape for a competition, we will run several miles to lose weight for a swimsuit, we will stay up all night listening to a friend talk about their problems, we will save for years, fully committed to getting that dream home, but most of us run away from our relationships at the first sign of trouble. We shouldn't run away, but run to it by being just as or more committed to it than any other entity in our lives.

The Great Exchange (A Couple's Exercise)

Our couple's exercise for this week is called the great exchange. Very frequently, couples take each other for granted. As time passes, appreciation elapses into nothingness.

This week, practice showing genuine appreciate for one another. Take time to notice the things done for you by your spouse. Really pay attention. Then, listen for cues as to what you can do to make his/her day easier, or life less hectic. Do them, even if you don't want to. Within a week, you'll see a major improvement in your marriage.

A Tribute to Lensey

It's been a little while that you've been away from me. I know that God is certainly using you where you are right now. I see the evidence meeting me at the mail box. Still, I miss you terribly bad, to the point of tears daily, because being without you is like trying to walk around with a broken foot.

Seems every year, we go through those moments of separation and then sweet reunions. I dare not complain because I knew I was marrying a special man of God whose gift would take him to places far and wide. Yet, if I could have but one selfish moment, I'd gladly give anything to be held by you right now, to pray with you, to seek God with you. You are such a strong man, someone who is constantly showing me how God expects us to behave in the middle of trials. I don't know when exactly it happened, but somewhere along the way, I think you became my stand-in with God. Now, you're where you are and I'm here rebuilding my own personal relationship without any stand-in. And all of that proves what I guess I've always known... you are the glue that holds everything together. You're the better part of my life.

I miss you very much, and since this note is very public, I won't say much more than to tell you I greatly appreciate all you have done for me. I appreciate your constant sacrifices. And most of all, I appreciate you being you. I love you, Mikey.

Security Alert - A Marriage Threat

Security Alert! Security Alert!

One of the biggest issues with marriages during times of struggle is insecurity. Women tend to become more needy and less secure when their needs are not met. Men become more insecure in the marriage when their wives hassle them. Don't let the stress of living bring issues of insecurity into your marriage.

Take a moment out of each day to reassure each other. Ladies, your husband needs to know that you support him, even if he isn't in a position to take care of you like he once did. Men, your wives need to know that you are willing to fight with them for a happy marriage. They don't want to feel like they are alone in holding everything together.

Don't let the happenings of the world into your marriage. Keep it out with love and reassurance.

Lovemaking - Keeping it Real

Now, I'm somewhat of a southern belle. I am never comfortable talking about sex. It's so personal. It's like using the restroom. Everyone does it, but no one with manners discusses it publicly. LOL!

Anyway, sex is a part of marriage. Many couples report that their sex life is a direct reflection of every other part of their relationship. And to be honest, for some, that is the biggest problem. Problems that happened outside of the bedroom are brought to the bed and couples turn their backs to one another. This can be a detriment.

Now, I'm not a believer that sex cures problems, but lack of sex definitely creates more of them. Women and men respond differently to outside stimuli. Men can be very upset (or many of them) but still function sexually with their wives, often times being much more open to working through issues after sex. Women are different. They can only respond appropriately when they feel like they are in a safe environment, or their needs are met. A man can have a disconnect notice and still perform. A woman, on the other hand, often times find her mind traveling to all that she need while sex is going on and gets nothing out of it.

In fact, more than one woman has went more than ten years without experiencing orgasms, or even pleasure. That is why we're not going to further discuss sex. We are going to talk about lovemaking, which is a different animal altogether. Lovemaking begins way before the bedroom comes into the picture. It is the simple things in life. It is the small thoughtful things a husband does, the sweet things a wife does. Lovemaking happens way less often than sex and marriages suffer daily. Today, decide you are going to go home and make love to your spouse. Start the moment you walk through the door. Don't go straight for the bedroom but begin on an emotional level. Today is your day to connect with your spouse.

Victorious in Unity

While there are many things we cannot do alone, there are few things that a couple cannot do together with respect and unity of spirit. For unity to be real, you have to unite on several levels"

• Unity of spirit - praying and studying the Word of God together
• Unity of body - a healthy and passionate love life that is mutually satisfying
• Unity of mind - sharing goals and creating a life plan together rather than apart

When a couple spends time uniting in this way, they will no doubt be victorious in every circumstance and in every way.

Loving Her

Men, did you know that one thing your wife craves more than anything is your support? Women like to feel protected and loved in a marital relationship. They want to be free to be themselves. To love a woman is to listen to her. There's no way around it. No amount of gifts will replace your arms. No amount of money will be an adequate substitute for your listening ear.

I know that when you fall in love, you want to spoil your spouse. And, I'm not telling you to hold off on gifts. I am telling you to not expect them to replace YOU. If you married for love, she didn't marry your money. She didn't marry your assets. She married YOU. When a woman hurts, she wants YOU.

To love your wife, listen to what she says and care enough to discern the things she can't say. When you love her like this, you could go broke, you can become ill, you can have a string of bad luck, but she won't go anywhere.

Loving Him

Loving your husband is not an exact science that you learn from books and study alone. It is something you learn from your husband himself. Yes, read what you can find. Yes, educate yourself. By all means, get marital advice when needed. But, none of that replaces the input of your spouse.

Learn to ask questions, wait on answers, and see the things your man may never be able to express. While reading books, don't forget to read your husband. Plan time to understand him. Make efforts to show him that you're into him.

I made a declaration long ago that I would be my husband's best friend. I am, even when I don't want to be. If he has a problem, even if it is me, we talk about it. Sometimes, we fuss about it. Every time, we work through it together. That is how you love your husband.

Infidelity, That Dirty Word

As much as we'd like to talk about the good times only, it is an unfortunate fact that many marriages struggle with all kinds of problems. Infidelity is a very common one and also the most devastating for the couples that must deal with it. So, how do you repair the damage done when one party in the marriage steps outside of it and has an affair?

My husband and I minister to couples on a weekly basis. The majority are struggling with the issue of forgiveness after an adulterous relationship. The pain of betraying a spouse can have far-reaching consequences. Many couples never try again after the betrayal is found out about. But for those who choose to fight for their family, the battle sometimes wages much stronger against them with the passing of time.

If you're a part of a relationship that has been damaged with unfaithful behavior, the first step is forgiveness. You can't truly forgive if you see it only from the perspective of what was done to you. You need to see it in the light of God's truth. We all make mistakes. We all fail in some area or another. Though we are inexcusable when we break hearts, it is unreasonable to believe a person can be perfect. Therefore, the first step to forgiving is to look at infidelity like you would any other heartbreaking mistake. See it has a flaw in your spouse's character. See it as something that is attacking you both. Understand the spiritual significance of infidelity. Realize that both of you are going through different struggles. It may hurt to imagine your spouse desiring someone else. It may hurt to hear them tell you what they desire that you don't supply. It's going to be painful, but it can be overcome.

Lastly, remember that saying "I forgive" is the same as saying "I won't bring it up again" to your spouse. Don't throw it up in the heat of an argument. Choose to deal with your pain in a productive way. Rather than argue, discuss what you're feeling when you're feeling it and ask for what you want. That goes a long way towards rebuilding all that is lost when infidelity happens.

Uncertainty

When it comes to love, we should never say never. It is a fact of life that most of us do things we said we'd never do. We don't do things we always promised we would. Life is uncertain. That uncertainty will invade your marriage at some point. That doesn't mean you should question your marriage. Rather, you should rethink your position in the marriage and make sure you are still putting in as much or more than you expect to receive.

Never say what you won't do. When you love your mate, you will learn to do the things that the mate loves to do, or at the very least appreciate it. Don't make 100% guaranteed promises when you don't know what's up the road. Make positive declarations, but know that times will come when you miss the mark you aimed for. Then, neither party is devastated by shortcomings.

Repair Your Foundation

I'm a firm believer that foundation matters most. When I look at crumbling marriages, often I see cracks in the foundation. Someone got caught up. They didn't dig deep enough to build a solid foundations. They didn't level the ground like they should have. They weren't careful when pouring the cement. So, the marriage is now in jeopardy because it got off on the wrong foot.

One great thing about marriage, unlike buildings, you can always go back and repair what has been damaged. If both parties are willing, there is no pain too great to heal, particularly if there is a faith relationship with God involved. Of course, I'm not talking about the hideous things that happen like rape, molestation or such. I'm talking about those everyday nagging pests that hinder you and your spouse from bonding and forming a real union.

In our book, Truth and Intimacy: A Couple's Journal, my husband and I explore the issues of going back to the beginning and starting over. It is possible, and can be a wonderful experience. If you're married, don't give up because you're tired, frustrated and angry. Fight harder and determine within yourself that your spouse and family are worth fighting for - even if you must fight yourself or by yourself for awhile.

Where is He? The Perfect Man

I imagine that most women my age are over the idea of a perfect man. Still, it behooves me to get into that anyway. I've listened to women complain about their husbands for years. He's either not "this" enough, or he's too "that" all the time. It's amazing really if you log our complaints according to importance, most of them wouldn't even rank a one. Yet, those complaints can drive a wedge between the husband and his wife quicker than you can bat your eyelashes.

Who is this perfect man women seek? Is he tall, dark and handsome? Is he intelligent, someone who knows everything about everything? Is he humble? Or, does his confidence fill a room as soon as he enters in? What does this man look like? What does he smell like? What do you imagine he feels like? How does his voice sound? What tune does his heart make in your ear when you lay your head upon his chest? In fact, the biggest question of the night is WHERE is this man?

I don't frankly believe in perfect people. I especially don't believe in the "perfect" man. Maybe that's because I'm not the "perfect" woman. However, I do believe in the perfect man for ME. I believe that whoever you're married to is the perfect man for you. If you erase the familiarity of him being your husband, it brings you right back to when he was your crush. It brings you back to when he was your "Boo" as some say. It brings you right back to when you could focus on nothing but him. It brings you back to when you actually believed he was your knight in shining armor, or whatever it was you most desired back then. Without the familiarity, the man you married is the same one you used to obsess over pleasing. He's the same one whose voice made you melt into a puddle of goo. Yes, that man you married is that same guy who could make you blush just by looking at you too long. Don't you remember? He's "THE ONE!"

Where is this perfect man? Where is he? He sleeps right beside me every night. I'm sure most of you, if you really consider what I just wrote, will feel the same way about your perfect man... He's right there beside you!